How to Handle Conflict

How to Handle Conflict With Others

Have you ever had a disagreement with another human being? Do you ever offend anyone, or does anyone ever offend you? Unless you have severed all human contact and now dwell in a cave in the middle of the Sahara Desert, the answer to these questions, of course, is, Yes! The truth is, you cannot and will not avoid conflict. Ronald Reagan once said, “Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is the ability to handle conflict by peaceful means.” Similarly, prolific author Max Lucado wrote, “Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.” How we approach conflict can strengthen — or end — relationships.
  The Bible speaks of conflict from Genesis to Revelation. It offers many examples, both good and bad, and gives volumes of advice on the subject. Over and over again, it tells us to love one another and live peaceably with one another. The Apostle Paul wrote, “If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men” (Rom. 12:18). Living peaceably with all men requires us, as Ronald Reagan said, to handle conflict by peaceful means.
  When conflict springs up, people react with one of these four basic communication styles: 1) passive, 2) aggressive, 3) passive-aggressive, and 4) assertive. Each one is found in the Bible multiple times, as we will soon see. First, though, let us begin with an overview of each style and its defining characteristics.

  Overview of the Four Communication Styles
  Passive communicators shrink from disagreement and confrontation. Like a mouse, they would rather run and hide than stand up for themselves, their rights, or their beliefs. They feel weak, powerless, and trampled on by others. When hurt, passive communicators shut their mouths and allow their hurt to fester in silence. Other people trample on them, either because there is no resistance, or because they are simply unaware of any problems. Resentment builds until the passive person feels cornered and lashes out, often over a seemingly minor issue. Soon after, he or she feels guilty for the outburst and once again seeks to avoid any form of conflict, beginning the cycle anew.
  Aggressive communicators, rather than avoiding conflict, instead try to overwhelm or beat down others like a raging grizzly bear. They are aggressive, overbearing, and abusive. They refuse to listen and give little or no consideration to the other person’s feelings or point of view. They hurl accusations, criticism, and blame, while refusing to admit any fault of their own. Their overarching desire is to bend others to their will, with little or no thought given to the other person’s wellbeing.
Passive-aggressive communicators are two-faced. They feel too weak or fearful to handle conflict openly and directly. Instead, they express their feelings with sarcastic, snide remarks that they hope will not provoke retaliation. They may drop hints of displeasure or make accusations that they quickly abandon if confronted. More destructively, they may hide their true feelings behind a smiling, friendly face. When the object of their wrath is out of earshot, they gossip, sabotage, and undermine. They stalk their prey like a rattlesnake, looking for an opening to strike and exact revenge.
  Assertive communicators have two key traits: self-respect and respect for others. They view themselves and others as equally important. They stand up for themselves, their rights, and their beliefs. When wronged, they seek to address their grievances with the person who wronged them, but with the hope of resolving the issue rather than lashing out and exacting revenge. They consider both their own needs and those of others.
  As you can see, assertive communication is the only means of handling conflict that is capable of resolving problems for the good of all concerned. Each of the other three styles is a unique way of turning a small injury into a festering sore. Let us now see what the Bible has to say about these four approaches to conflict.

  Passive Communication in the Bible
  On first glance, a few people might assume that bearing grievances and offenses in silence, and avoiding confrontation, is actually a godly trait. It is not. In everyday life, passive communication benefits no one, neither the passive individual nor anyone around that person. Refusing to face conflict does not allow personal growth or maturity, and provides no learning opportunity for anyone. Shrinking from conflict in the hope that it will somehow go away and resolve itself is little different from an alcoholic attempting to drown his sorrows in a bottle, and awakening from his stupor to find that nothing has improved.
  In addition, God commanded us to stand up for the truth, which means we must neither shrink from conflict nor fear the disapproval of other men. He told the Israelites through Moses, “You shall not follow a crowd to do evil; nor shall you testify in a dispute so as to turn aside after many to pervert justice” (Ex. 23:2). To stand up for right and truth, to face down the crowd — this requires courage in the face of confrontation. We must fear God rather than man (Acts 5:29).
  Again, Jesus proclaimed, “For whoever is ashamed of Me and My words in this adulterous and sinful generation, of him the Son of Man also will be ashamed when He comes in the glory of His Father with the holy angels” (Mark 8:38). He also said, “But whoever denies Me before men, him I will also deny before My Father who is in heaven” (Matt. 10:33).
  Finally, the Bible warns of eternal damnation for those who do not have the courage to stand up for the truth. In Rev. 21:8, the apostle John wrote, “But the cowardly… shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.”
  God expects His people to be bold and courageous, not paralyzed by fear of man’s disapproval. Seeking to avoid conflict at any cost, and trying to get along with everyone else no matter what, can have the worst of consequences. Not only does it allow a relationship to rot away and dissolve from unaddressed problems, it can even result in one’s own eternal destruction!
  In addition to these warnings, we can also find some excellent examples of passive communication in the pages of the Bible. One of the most prominent passive communicators was King Ahab. Throughout his life, Ahab refused to stand up for himself and shrank from confrontation, instead opting to sulk in private.
  Of particular note is 1 Kings 20:1-4: “Now Ben-Hadad the king of Syria gathered all his forces together; thirty-two kings were with him, with horses and chariots. And he went up and besieged Samaria, and made war against it. Then he sent messengers into the city to Ahab king of Israel, and said to him, ‘Thus says Ben-Hadad: “Your silver and your gold are mine; your loveliest wives and children are mine.”’ And the king of Israel answered and said, ‘My lord, O king, just as you say, I and all that I have are yours.’”
  Ahab agreed to part with his wives and children rather than fight! Sensing obvious weakness, however, the Syrian king increased his demands, and the leaders of Israel urged the king to fight back. In the ensuing battle, the first of a long series of wars between Israel and Syria, God gave victory to Israel.
  The following year, in the second war with Syria, Israel defeated a vastly superior Syrian army and the survivors fled to a nearby city, whereupon God caused the city wall to fall and crush 27,000 survivors. With his army destroyed, Ben-Hadad saw no choice but to surrender. His aides assured him that the kings of Israel were merciful kings and that Ahab might spare his life. Then they went out to Ahab to plead for the life of their master.

So they wore sackcloth around their waists and put ropes around their heads, and came to the king of Israel and said, “Your servant Ben-Hadad says, ‘Please let me live.’” And he said, “Is he still alive? He is my brother.” Now the men were watching closely to see whether any sign of mercy would come from him; and they quickly grasped at this word and said, “Your brother Ben-Hadad.” So he said, “Go, bring him.” Then Ben-Hadad came out to him; and he had him come up into the chariot. So Ben-Hadad said to him, “The cities which my father took from your father I will restore; and you may set up marketplaces for yourself in Damascus, as my father did in Samaria.” Then Ahab said, “I will send you away with this treaty.” So he made a treaty with him and sent him away. (1 Kings 20:32-34.)

  Ahab wanted to make peace, be friends, and forget about conflict, but God had not delivered Israel’s enemies into Ahab’s hand so that they could walk away unharmed. He sent a prophet to rebuke the king with the following words: “Then he said to him, ‘Thus says the Lord: “Because you have let slip out of your hand a man whom I appointed to utter destruction, therefore your life shall go for his life, and your people for his people”’” (1 Kings 20:42).
  In the face of the prophet’s rebuke, Ahab’s response was not to repent, nor even to express anger at the prophet. Instead, it was to shrink away once again: “So the king of Israel went to his house sullen and displeased, and came to Samaria” (1 Kings 20:43).
  After this, Ahab coveted the vineyard of Naboth, which was next to his own palace. He offered to buy Naboth’s vineyard, or even to give him a better one, but Naboth refused to sell his family’s inheritance. Again, Ahab slunk away to sulk in private. “So Ahab went into his house sullen and displeased because of the word which Naboth the Jezreelite had spoken to him; for he had said, ‘I will not give you the inheritance of my fathers.’ And he lay down on his bed, and turned away his face, and would eat no food” (1 Kings 21:4).
  At this point, Ahab’s wife Jezebel intervened, telling her husband she would get Naboth’s vineyard for him. Ahab said nothing. Jezebel had Naboth arrested on charges of blasphemy, set up false witnesses against him to condemn him, and caused him to be stoned to death. Throughout, Ahab was nowhere to be found, preferring to let someone else fight his battles. Once Naboth was dead, Jezebel told Ahab to go down and take possession of Naboth’s vineyard (1 Kings 21:1-16).
  This was consistent with Ahab’s character. Throughout his life, Ahab exhibited weakness and cowardice. He shrank from confrontation, whether it meant standing up to his wife or defending his people from the king of Syria. When confronted, he shrank away to stew over it in private. Ahab’s passivity allowed the deaths of God’s servants whom his wife murdered in her reign of terror, culminating in Naboth’s death. It caused the deaths of countless thousands of Israelites who would die in future wars with Syria, because Ahab refused to crush the Syrians when he had the chance. It even caused his own death, as he would later die in battle when Syria invaded Israel once again.
  Ahab’s example illustrates that no good comes from a passive approach to conflict. As in all walks of life, refusing to face problems in a personal relationship does not make them go away; it only makes them worse.

  Aggressive Communication in the Bible
  The opposite of passive communication is aggressive communication, which most people quickly see is selfish and ungodly. The aggressive consider only their own feelings and desires, not those of others. Their angry outbursts often cause long-lasting hurt to the objects of their wrath, especially loved ones. Like the refusal to face conflict, the attempt to beat others into submission also suffocates any opportunity for growth and learning.
  Writing to the church in Ephesus, the Apostle Paul condemned aggressive communication: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Eph. 4:31-32). Bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking represent aggressive communication in action. Instead, Paul exhorts us to be kind and tenderhearted. One cannot attempt to beat others into submission while simultaneously being kind and tenderhearted!
  King Solomon wrote several passages in the book of Proverbs about aggressive communication as well. Perhaps the most often quoted is Prov. 15:1: “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” Later in the chapter, he added, “A wrathful man stirs up strife, but he who is slow to anger allays contention” (Prov. 15:18). These two passages show that anger begets more anger. An aggressive approach to conflict can turn minor disagreements into bitter wars and cause unnecessary pain and suffering to all involved.
  Later, Solomon wrote more strongly, “Make no friendship with an angry man, and with a furious man do not go, lest you learn his ways and set a snare for your soul” (Prov. 22:24-25). Again, he added, “An angry man stirs up strife, and a furious man abounds in transgression” (Prov. 29:22). From these passages, we can see that not only should we avoid aggressive communication, we should also make no friendship with those who practice it.
  This is not to say that anger or aggression is never appropriate. Jesus, after all, attacked the money changers in the temple with a whip, overturned their tables, and chased them outside (John 2:14-17). However, anger and aggression cannot be a pattern of dealing with conflict for anyone who wishes to serve God, nor is it ever appropriate to lose control of one’s emotions. Even Moses was prevented from entering the Promised Land because he lost his temper just once (Num. 20:7-12).
King Solomon’s son and successor Rehoboam left us a classic example of aggressive communication.   After Solomon’s death, the Israelites assembled to their new king and petitioned him to lighten the tax and labor burden his father had placed on them (1 Kings 12:4). Rehoboam told the crowd to go away for three days while he decided what to do, then asked for advice on how to handle the situation. First, he asked the elders who served his father; they advised him to be conciliatory and grant the people their wish. Not satisfied with this answer, he asked his peers, the men who had grown up with him. They counseled him to spurn the people’s request and threaten instead to lay a heavier burden on them.
  After three days, when the people reassembled, Rehoboam responded aggressively, as his peers had urged. He said, “My father made your yoke heavy, but I will add to your yoke; my father chastised you with whips, but I will chastise you with scourges!” (1 Kings 12:14). In the face of the king’s insolence and hostility, nearly all the tribes of Israel rebelled, leaving only Judah loyal to the king. Rehoboam persisted in his folly, however: “Then King Rehoboam sent Adoram, who was in charge of the revenue; but all Israel stoned him with stones, and he died. Therefore King Rehoboam mounted his chariot in haste to flee to Jerusalem” (1 Kings 12:18).
  Not only did Rehoboam sneer at the people’s petition to lower taxes, but when they rebelled, he responded by sending out his tax collector! He lost most of his kingdom permanently, for Israel and Judah would never again be one kingdom. Many wars between the two would be fought over the next two and a half centuries, costing the lives of hundreds of thousands.
  Rehoboam’s aggressive approach to conflict caused the death of his tax collector, as well as the deaths of all the hundreds of thousands who would die in the wars between Israel and Judah. It tore asunder the brotherhood between Israel and Judah. He could have avoided it all had he only heeded his father Solomon’s own writing, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Prov. 15:1).
  Just as being too passive is unhealthy and leads to more problems, so also is being too aggressive, as Rehoboam so aptly demonstrated. Both, though opposites, are ultimately rooted in selfishness. They spring from considering only oneself and one’s own desires.

  Passive-Aggressive Communication in the Bible
  Passive-aggressive communication combines negative qualities of both passive and aggressive communication. Because those who deal with conflict in this way fear open conflict, they resort to tactics like sarcastic comments, spreading rumors, giving the silent treatment, and other indirect means. Sometimes they will try to conceal their true feelings to avoid open conflict, so they may figuratively smile to your face while stabbing you in the back. Again, it should be obvious that none of this is godly.
  In Psalm 15, King David wrote, “Lord, who may abide in Your tabernacle? Who may dwell in Your holy hill? …He who does not backbite with his tongue, nor does evil to his neighbor, nor does he take up a reproach against his friend…” (Psa. 15:1, 3). He added in a later psalm: “Whoever secretly slanders his neighbor, him I will destroy; the one who has a haughty look and a proud heart, him I will not endure” (Psa. 101:5).
  Backbiting, secretly slandering, and doing evil to others are hallmarks of passive-aggressiveness. As David wrote, only those who do not have these traits may dwell in God’s tabernacle. In other words, those who do will not be in His kingdom!
  Similarly, the Apostle Paul addressed these same issues in a letter to the church in Corinth: “For I fear lest, when I come, I shall not find you such as I wish, and that I shall be found by you such as you do not wish; lest there be contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, backbitings, whisperings, conceits, tumults…” (2 Cor. 12:20). These are part of the carnal human nature that must be changed if one is to enter God’s kingdom.
  King Solomon got to the root cause of the issue when he wrote in the book of Proverbs, “Whoever hides hatred has lying lips, and whoever spreads slander is a fool” (Prov. 10:18). This is indeed the heart of passive-aggressiveness: hidden animosity or resentment. All other actions taken stem from this root cause.
  There are at least two notable examples in the Bible of passive-aggressiveness in action. The first is Joseph’s brothers. We find in Gen. 37:3-5, “Now Israel loved Joseph more than all his children, because he was the son of his old age. Also he made him a tunic of many colors. But when his brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers, they hated him and could not speak peaceably to him. Now Joseph had a dream, and he told it to his brothers; and they hated him even more.”
  The brothers had some legitimate grievances, since their father clearly favored Joseph over them. However, rather than approaching any of their grievances directly, the brothers simply let their hatred fester to the point they plotted to kill Joseph, and ultimately sold him into slavery (Gen. 37:18, 28).
  Perhaps the best example of passive-aggressiveness in the Bible, though, is David’s son Absalom. After Absalom’s half-brother Amnon raped his sister Tamar, Absalom did not confront him or take any direct action. As the writer of 2 Samuel put it, “And Absalom spoke to his brother Amnon neither good nor bad” (2 Sam. 13:22). Instead, Absalom plotted vengeance for two years, finally culminating when he invited Amnon to a feast and had his servants murder him (2 Sam. 13:23-29).
  Immediately after the murder, and without waiting for judgment from his father King David, Absalom fled to another land and stayed there for three more years. At last, David sent and brought him back home, but confined him to his house for two more years. At the urging of David’s general Joab, the two finally reconciled.
  When it seemed that all was forgiven, however, Absalom immediately began plotting against his father. Again, he refused to confront the target of his anger; instead, he undermined and sabotaged his father while pretending to be friendly:

Now Absalom would rise early and stand beside the way to the gate. So it was, whenever anyone who had a lawsuit came to the king for a decision, that Absalom would call to him and say, “What city are you from?” And he would say, “Your servant is from such and such a tribe of Israel.” Then Absalom would say to him, “Look, your case is good and right; but there is no deputy of the king to hear you.” Moreover Absalom would say, “Oh, that I were made judge in the land, and everyone who has any suit or cause would come to me; then I would give him justice.” And so it was, whenever anyone came near to bow down to him, that he would put out his hand and take him and kiss him. In this manner Absalom acted toward all Israel who came to the king for judgment. So Absalom stole the hearts of the men of Israel. (2 Sam. 15:2-6.)

  After four years of sabotage, Absalom finally felt strong enough to lead a rebellion against his father, but not before he first lied about his intentions to keep his father off guard. Though most of Israel followed him, his rebellion was decisively crushed in a pitched battle and he himself was killed by Joab after attempting to flee (2 Sam. 15:7-18:15).
  Absalom’s approach to conflict was classically passive-aggressive. He shunned confrontation at the beginning of a problem, instead bearing grudges and harboring hatred. Consumed by hatred, he began to lie and deceive to undermine the objects of his anger. Still not satisfied, his thoughts turned to murder, but not until he felt certain he could avoid punishment. His actions ultimately led to his own death and the deaths of many thousands of others whom he deceived into following him.

  Assertive Communication in the Bible
  Of the three methods of dealing with conflict that we have seen so far, selfishness drives all three. As we have also seen, all three approaches lead to a terrible end. The fact of the matter is, one cannot resolve conflict by being selfish. Any approach to conflict that is rooted in selfishness will fail.
  Assertive communication, the only constructive and Biblical approach to conflict, produces better results. Assertive communication addresses conflict directly, talking through problems in a calm and reasonable manner. It involves not only talking, but also listening to the other person and considering his or her needs as well. It means standing up for oneself and asserting one’s own rights, but also being considerate of others. It means loving oneself, and loving others as oneself.
  In Leviticus, Moses wrote, “You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people; nor shall you take a stand against the life of your neighbor: I am the Lord. You shall not hate your brother in your heart. You shall surely rebuke your neighbor, and not bear sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord” (Lev. 19:16-18).
  This passage ranks near the pinnacle of important passages in the Bible. Firstly, it forbids several unhealthy means of handling conflict: You shall not gossip and spread rumors, you shall not hate, and you shall not bear grudges. These all reflect the three unhealthy means of handling conflict, and are against God’s law. Secondly, it tells us specifically to handle conflict directly, by rebuking those who have wronged us.
  The most important part of this passage, however, is this: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” This is one of the two great commandments upon which “hang all the Law and the Prophets” (Matt. 22:36-40). This is also the heart of assertive communication. In order for any communication, or any attempt to resolve conflict, to be successful, it must spring from love.
  There are two essential elements to this command, “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” One must first love oneself, and then love others as oneself. There is no room for self-loathing or self-hatred. You must recognize your own worth, but especially your worth in the eyes of your Creator, Jesus Christ, who also died for you. In addition, only when you properly love yourself can you “love your neighbor as yourself.”
  Loving others as oneself is the foundation of all healthy human relationships. The Apostle Paul wrote concerning marriage, “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church” (Eph. 5:28-29).
  When you love yourself, you will not passively allow yourself to be mistreated and abused by others. When you love others as yourself, you will not secretly tear them down (passive-aggressive behavior), nor will you lash out in anger to tear them down (aggressive behavior). Instead, you will address problems directly and calmly with the person who wronged you, without hurling accusations. This is the essence of assertive communication.
  Jesus reiterated Moses’ writing in the New Testament: “Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector” (Matt. 18:15-17).
  Notice that this approach should come from love and consideration for the other person, with the purpose of turning that person away from sin. This relates directly to Paul’s writing to the Ephesians, “…but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head — Christ…” (Eph. 4:15). Also, as James wrote, “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (Jam. 1:19-20). The purpose of assertive communication is not only to stand up for yourself, but also to help the other person grow as a child of God.
  Jesus’ instructions also bring up another point: even if you handle conflict perfectly, that does not mean others will respond in kind. They may deny everything, say nothing, or even lash out at you. They may also acknowledge your concern, but never change their behavior. Regardless, the other person’s actions are not your responsibility. You are responsible for your own actions alone. If you handled the conflict in the proper way, and the way that God instructs, then you have done all that you could do.
  Of course, our desire must always be that the other person will repent and stop doing us wrong. Jesus laid out this scenario in the book of Luke: “Take heed to yourselves. If your brother sins against you, rebuke him; and if he repents, forgive him. And if he sins against you seven times in a day, and seven times in a day returns to you, saying, ‘I repent,’ you shall forgive him” (Luke 17:3-4).   As God’s people, we should always be ready and eager to forgive, just as God is with us. It is important to remember, though, that words alone are not proof of repentance. As John the Baptist told the Pharisees, “Therefore bear fruits worthy of repentance” (Matt. 3:8). Words must be accompanied by actions.
  Lastly, remember that not every offense someone commits against you is worthy of a response. Consider the situation and the gravity of the offense. Some things are harmless and easily forgotten; others are serious. And once again, should we need to respond and go speak to the other person, we should not do so out of anger, but out of love.
  There are at least two of God’s servants in the Bible who provided great examples of assertive communication: King David and the Apostle Paul. Let’s look at David’s example first. For years, King Saul hunted David in the wilderness with the intent of killing him. David had done no wrong, yet Saul spent years relentlessly pursuing and attempting to kill him.
  At one point, the king caught up with David in the wilderness of Judah. David had the opportunity to kill him in a cave, but, despite the urges of his men, he refused. Instead, he waited until Saul left the cave, then walked outside to confront him face to face:

David also arose afterward, went out of the cave, and called out to Saul, saying, “My lord the king!” And when Saul looked behind him, David stooped with his face to the earth, and bowed down. And David said to Saul: “Why do you listen to the words of men who say, ‘Indeed David seeks your harm’? Look, this day your eyes have seen that the Lord delivered you today into my hand in the cave, and someone urged me to kill you. But my eye spared you, and I said, ‘I will not stretch out my hand against my lord, for he is the Lord’s anointed.’ Moreover, my father, see! Yes, see the corner of your robe in my hand! For in that I cut off the corner of your robe, and did not kill you, know and see that there is neither evil nor rebellion in my hand, and I have not sinned against you. Yet you hunt my life to take it. Let the Lord judge between you and me, and let the Lord avenge me on you. But my hand shall not be against you. As the proverb of the ancients says, ‘Wickedness proceeds from the wicked.’ But my hand shall not be against you. After whom has the king of Israel come out? Whom do you pursue? A dead dog? A flea? Therefore let the Lord be judge, and judge between you and me, and see and plead my case, and deliver me out of your hand.” (1 Sam. 24:8-15.)

  David’s words shamed the king, and Saul expressed profound remorse for attempting to kill him. He withdrew and left David there unharmed, but ultimately could not shake his obsession with killing David. This is important: although David confronted King Saul and laid out his grievances, exactly as he should have, this action did not ultimately change Saul’s behavior. David did all that God required of him and attempted to resolve the dispute exactly as he should have. He had even risked his own life to make Saul see the error of his ways. He bore no responsibility for Saul’s actions.
  As for the Apostle Paul, he gives us many examples of assertive behavior as well. In fact, he may have been one of the most assertive men in the whole Bible! He routinely stood up not only for himself and his rights, but also for the rights of others and, most frequently of all, for the truth of the gospel.
  Writing to the Galatians, Paul recounted a time when he rebuked his fellow apostle Peter:

Now when Peter had come to Antioch, I withstood him to his face, because he was to be blamed; for before certain men came from James, he would eat with the Gentiles; but when they came, he withdrew and separated himself, fearing those who were of the circumcision. And the rest of the Jews also played the hypocrite with him, so that even Barnabas was carried away with their hypocrisy. But when I saw that they were not straightforward about the truth of the gospel, I said to Peter before them all, “If you, being a Jew, live in the manner of Gentiles and not as the Jews, why do you compel Gentiles to live as Jews?” (Gal. 2:11-14.)

In this case, Paul confronted Peter because of Peter’s own lack of straightforwardness, and did so in front of everyone!
  On another occasion, after casting a demon out of a slave girl in Philippi, Paul was arrested by the city government, beaten with rods, and thrown into prison for the night. Next morning, the magistrates sent word for him to be released. “So the keeper of the prison reported these words to Paul, saying, ‘The magistrates have sent to let you go. Now therefore depart, and go in peace.’ But Paul said to them, ‘They have beaten us openly, uncondemned Romans, and have thrown us into prison. And now do they put us out secretly? No indeed! Let them come themselves and get us out.’ And the officers told these words to the magistrates, and they were afraid when they heard that they were Romans. Then they came and pleaded with them and brought them out, and asked them to depart from the city” (Acts 16:36-39). Paul was not about to tolerate unlawful abuse by a city government, and firmly asserted his rights as a Roman citizen!
  Some time later, a mob in Jerusalem attempted to kill Paul, and he had to be rescued by the Roman garrison. “Then as Paul was about to be led into the barracks, he said to the commander, ‘May I speak to you?’ He replied, ‘Can you speak Greek? Are you not the Egyptian who some time ago stirred up a rebellion and led the four thousand assassins out into the wilderness?’ But Paul said, ‘I am a Jew from Tarsus, in Cilicia, a citizen of no mean city; and I implore you, permit me to speak to the people.’ So when he had given him permission, Paul stood on the stairs and motioned with his hand to the people. And when there was a great silence, he spoke to them in the Hebrew language, saying…” (Act. 21:37-40). In this instance, Paul refused to run away, and instead attempted to reason with the mob that had just tried to kill him.
  A couple years after this, the new governor of Judea brought Paul before him multiple times, but reached no decision. On one occasion,

When he had come, the Jews who had come down from Jerusalem stood about and laid many serious complaints against Paul, which they could not prove, while he answered for himself, “Neither against the law of the Jews, nor against the temple, nor against Caesar have I offended in anything at all.” But Festus, wanting to do the Jews a favor, answered Paul and said, “Are you willing to go up to Jerusalem and there be judged before me concerning these things?” So Paul said, “I stand at Caesar’s judgment seat, where I ought to be judged. To the Jews I have done no wrong, as you very well know. “For if I am an offender, or have committed anything deserving of death, I do not object to dying; but if there is nothing in these things of which these men accuse me, no one can deliver me to them. I appeal to Caesar.” (Acts 25:7-11.)

Paul refused to go along with the governor’s plan, a plan which may have gotten him ambushed and killed by Jews lying in wait along the road. Instead, he boldly told the governor that he had done no wrong, and asserted his rights as a Roman citizen to be judged by Caesar instead.
  Through the actions of King David and the Apostle Paul, we can see excellent examples of assertive communication. They frequently stood up against injustice, whether committed against themselves or against others, and feared no one. David confronted the king of Israel, while Paul faced down other apostles, mobs, and Roman government officials. These examples of courage are examples for God’s people to emulate. As we also saw, the results were not always what they might have desired, but they did what was commanded of them. They did all that they could do, even risking their own lives to make the offenders see the error of their ways and repent.

  Conclusion
  This concludes our examination of the four communication styles and how to handle conflict from a Bible perspective. As we have seen, the three most common methods of handling conflict — aggressive, passive, and passive-aggressive — stem from selfishness and are doomed to fail. The Biblical, assertive approach stems from love and concern, and produces much better fruits.
Next time you are faced with conflict, remember to reflect on what the Bible says before responding. If the other person has wronged you or disrespected you, calmly speak to them in private and tell them how they have wronged you. Tell them how their actions have affected you, but do not become belligerent or hurl accusations. Remember to love that person as you love yourself. By following this means of handling conflict, you can resolve most of it without harm. You may even find that conflict can turn from a negative experience to a positive one, and an opportunity for growth.